DEAR MAN

In 1975, the psychologist Manuel J. Smith published a book whose title caught a common feeling: When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. It was part of a wave of assertiveness training in the 1970s, teaching people to ask for what they need without either giving in or attacking.

Marsha Linehan built on that work for people whose strong emotions made hard conversations even harder. She broke asking into steps simple enough to remember under pressure, and gave them a name: DEAR MAN.

Describe the situation, sticking to facts. Express how you feel about it, using "I". Assert what you want, clearly, or say no clearly. Reinforce: explain how it would help, or what's in it for them.

Stay Mindful: keep to your point, and don't get pulled into side arguments. Appear confident, in your voice and posture, even if you don't feel it. Negotiate: be willing to give a little to get something.

You won't always get what you ask for. But you're more likely to, and you're more likely to keep your self-respect and the relationship either way.

• Nonviolent Communication

  Marshall Rosenberg's method moves through observations, feelings, needs and requests: a close cousin of DEAR MAN.

• Self-compassion

  Asking for what you need starts with believing your needs count.

Think of something you need to ask for, or say no to. Draft the first four steps.

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Which is a good "Describe" step?