STOP

In 2011, Marsha Linehan, by then one of the most respected psychologists in the world, stood in front of an audience at the Institute of Living in Connecticut and told them something she had kept private for decades: as a teenager, she had been a patient there herself, for more than two years.

She had made a vow, she said, to get out and then to help others get out. DBT was the result: a therapy built from practical skills for the moments when emotions take over. One of the most used is also one of the simplest.

Many of the moments we regret happen in a few seconds: a message sent, a door slammed, words we can't take back. STOP puts a pause into those seconds.

Stop: freeze, and don't react yet. Take a step back: a breath, or literally a step away. Observe: what's happening inside you and around you, what you're feeling, what others are doing. Proceed mindfully: ask what would make things better, not worse, and what fits your goals.

The pause doesn't have to be long. Even a few seconds can be the difference between reacting and choosing.

• Stoicism

  Epictetus advised that when something provokes you, gain time and delay, and you will more easily control yourself.

• Mindfulness

  The three-minute breathing space is a longer version of the same pause.

Think of a recent moment when you reacted quickly and wished you hadn't.

Your answers stay in this page and aren't saved or sent anywhere.

Someone criticises you in a group chat and you're about to fire back. What's the first step of STOP?