Radical acceptance
Fully accept what can't be changed right now, which is not the same as approving of it.
Radical acceptance is for facts that can't be changed right now. It never means accepting ongoing harm or abuse: if you aren't safe, your safety comes first. And if things feel hopeless, please talk to someone you trust or a professional.
The story
In the 1980s, Marsha Linehan hit a problem in her own therapy. When she pushed her clients to change, many felt she didn't understand how much they were suffering. When she simply accepted them, they stayed stuck.
Looking for a way to hold both, she turned to Zen, practising at Shasta Abbey, a monastery in California, and with the Zen teacher Willigis Jäger in Germany. She brought back acceptance: seeing reality as it is, fully, as the starting point for change.
The idea
"Radical" means all the way, down to the root. Radical acceptance means acknowledging, with your mind, heart and body, that something has happened or is the case, even though you wish it weren't.
It isn't approval, and it isn't giving up. You can accept that a relationship has ended and still grieve it, or accept that you didn't get the job and still apply for others. Often acceptance is what makes change possible, because you stop spending energy fighting what already is.
As DBT puts it, rejecting reality turns pain into suffering. Acceptance doesn't remove the pain, but it can remove the suffering on top.
Echoes in other traditions
- Buddhism
The second arrow: the pain itself, and the extra suffering of fighting it.
- The Serenity Prayer
The serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
Try it with something on your mind
Think of something you've been fighting that can't be changed right now.
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Check your understanding
Your flight is cancelled and there are no others today. What is radical acceptance?
Finish the lesson
Answer the question above to complete the lesson.