A friend's voice

In 1980, the psychiatrist David Burns published Feeling Good, a self-help book based on cognitive therapy that went on to sell millions of copies. One of its simplest tools he called the double-standard technique.

Burns noticed that people who were kind and fair to others often held themselves to rules they'd never apply to anyone else. Years later, the psychologist Paul Gilbert, who developed compassion-focused therapy, added something: the tone matters too. Many people could recite a balanced thought, but said it to themselves in a cold, critical voice, and it didn't land.

Most of us keep two rulebooks: a kind one for friends and a harsh one for ourselves. If a friend said "I'm such an idiot for forgetting", you wouldn't agree; you'd remind them that everyone forgets things.

Asking what you'd say to a friend borrows the kinder rulebook. It usually gives a fairer answer too, because it's easier to see someone else's situation clearly than your own.

Notice how you say it, not just what you say. Imagine the warmth you'd use with someone you care about, and use that.

• The Golden Rule

  Many traditions teach treating others as you would want to be treated. This turns it round: treat yourself as you would treat others.

• Self-compassion

  Kristin Neff's research begins with the same question: how would you treat a good friend in your situation?

Pick a thought where you've been hard on yourself.

Your answers stay in this page and aren't saved or sent anywhere.

You think "I'm useless, I always mess up presentations." What would a friend's voice involve?