Say it plainly

The Greeks had a word for saying everything you think: parrhēsia, frank speech. The Cynics made it a way of life. Diogenes told the powerful what he thought of them to their faces. When Plato was praised for defining a human being as a featherless animal on two legs, Diogenes is said to have plucked a chicken, brought it into the lecture room and announced that here was Plato's human being. Asked what was the most beautiful thing in the world, he answered:

As always with Diogenes, some of these stories are legend. The value behind them is real. For the Cynics, a person who couldn't say what they thought was not free, whatever else they had.

Most people don't lie outright. They soften until the point disappears:

• Padding: "Sorry, this is probably nothing, and no worries if not, but..."
• Burying it: the real point comes in the last line, after three paragraphs of something else.
• Hinting: hoping the other person guesses what you want, then resenting them when they don't.
• Saying yes when you mean no, and then quietly not doing it.

Softening feels kind and safe. Often it's neither. The other person can't act on what they never quite heard, you end up resentful, and the problem grows until it comes out much less kindly than it would have at the start.

Frankness is easy to confuse with its cheap imitation. "I'm just being honest" usually comes just before something cruel. The difference isn't how blunt it is. Frank speech is true, it's about the thing and not a verdict on the person, and it's said to help: them, the relationship, or the truth. Cruelty is said to win or to wound, and it's comfortable for the speaker.

The philosopher Michel Foucault, who studied parrhēsia closely, pointed out that in the ancient sense it always involved a risk to the speaker: you said the true thing to someone who might not like it, and you paid for it. If the honest thing costs you nothing and costs them a lot, ask whether it's frankness at all.

Start where the stakes are low: telling a waiter your food is cold, or saying "I'd rather not" to an invitation you don't want. Plain speech gets easier with practice, like everything else the Cynics trained for.

For weeks, Ruth's roommate Jess has been eating Ruth's food from the fridge without asking. Ruth has finally drafted a message:

"Hey!! Sorry to be annoying, totally no worries if not, and I might be imagining it lol, but I think maybe some of my stuff in the fridge has been going? Could be me though! x"